When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Four minutes until I can fart!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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