I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
