mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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