Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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