I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
