Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
