just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
