Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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