Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Success! We fucked roommates!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
