Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
