Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
