So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
