he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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