I wish I could punch you in the face.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
