I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
