i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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