I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
