I can text with my tongue
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
