no, he came in my armpit
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
