What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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