I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
