you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize