We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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