Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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