On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
