She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pants are for mortals
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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