Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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