we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
