I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
