btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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