I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize