I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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