He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
