I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
