Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
