dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
