No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
