Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
