Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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