Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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