I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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