Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
