Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How does one acquire holy water?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
