walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
