god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
