chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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