I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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