a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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