We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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