Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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