watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize