White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
