i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
