speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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