I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
