I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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