I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
