If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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