Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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