Acid is not a monday night drug
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
