Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
